We talk of courage thinking, we are one singular being. Maybe equating courage with independence. Thinking courage but acting in perfection, never doing wrong by anyone or any thing. Really courage is a voice to truth. It is voicing what we know either deep down or at the moment to be true. Courage is the action of reaching out. Letting others know not only your abilities but also your limits. It is the best of you being discovered in others by admitting your worst to them. Excepting the fact that people are not the same and working through their issues with them while still working with yours. Courage is keeping your head up and being prepared for all hell to break lose. And when hell is on the lose to remember heaven and to still believe in it. It is to love despite the unknown, to move on despite the past. Courage is the heart behind the movement of putting that first foot forward. I'm learning these valuable lessons. Don't forget this brain.

To cut

I want to cut all my hair
I want to shave it off
But I fear the risks
being mistaken for a boy
cow licks
friend's disapproval

But worst of all:
it is winter and
my head being cold

New material

I could not see
for you were
blocking the view
Eventually I saw
what I was looking for






I stopped to care
then had no time to stop at all








Love is real
You could not contain it

My heart was true
even if you try to blame it

My tears I have stopped
So as not to profane it

thoughts

I am an open room
empty
ready to be filled






Will you fight for me?
Will you fight at all?
I map out my time
to spend it alone
locked away in my thoughts
What would you do
if you could be in my world
would you even know
i feel a strange isolation set in
like winter's first frost

Do you know what it's like to risk
and then lose?

Or do you just replicate sunshine
in the factory of time?

Living situation

Look, I'm not trying to tell you what to do
I just really care

I think your ideas are great
Yes we should park our cars that way
and sure its a fabulous way
to clean the garbage disposal

I'm not trying to criticize
I just have a long pessimistic streak
Maybe I like to see things
from the wrong angle

I know you need to talk
but your time and my time
are not always the right times

Now I sit in my room
waiting for you to leave
I'm tired
It's a pain to be honest
to someone whose not honest with me

A summer day

I saw the sunrise break over the hills
Nothing was so beautiful
It turned into a bright summer day
As I sat pondering the deep blue
Something ran across the sky
I didn’t notice at first
Until the sunlight caught the brown
On the wing
He was different
Slender quick
Something in his eyes allured me
I flew as close to him as I could
He laughed at me for awhile
Then gently like a child asked
“Why don’t you come and join me
The sky is beautiful today
Your wings seem strong enough to sore”
“I would” I said frustrated
“See my bundle it is weighing me down”

“Just let it go”

There was an awkward pause.

“No, that’s alright I’ll just stay down here”
My eyes could not meet his anymore
He and I both knew

“What is it you are really looking for?”

The leaves from the trees were starting to change
It was my cue to change
I reasoned it out.
Someone who could say such things to me could not
Really want me around.

The beach

When the days grow cold and long
When my work seems never done

I will think back
to those glorious
sunny
warm
gentle
days.

The ones
we spend
lying next to each other
in the sand
Near the waves

Broken Heart

I heard the beat
it was louder
I could hear it clearer
away from those steal bars
where the beautiful white swallow lived

He was beautiful
but loved
cold hard steal
more then anything else


So I could not take him with me

I rested on a branch for awhile
wrestling with the thought of
going back
speaking sense in him
making him come with me
But I knew I could not
make him do what he did not wish
I could not drag him
His weight would crush my
heart

O, Beautiful creature
how I long to fly with you still
upon the golden sunset of anyday

His beat was so much different from
the one I heard

The one I heard called me in a different way
Like the ocean calling the rivers

I to choose
I picked the unseen
unknown
unfamiliar
I decided to go on
much slower
with less resolve
I Flew the highest I could
to get away from the memories
of those bars

Then I saw a flash
Glorious
every shade of chestnut
auburn
mahogany

Must be a queen as I swooped down
to get a better look

It was a brilliant coat
the most well thought out colors
the home like a masterpiece
with carefully chosen
reds yellows gold and silver

The queen granted me stay
at the beautiful castle basket
Her mate was dark
he did not have the same luster as her

He tried his best to shine and prime
to look more then what he was really

over her head he kept three small stones
As I dwelt there
always wondering what they were



One day I found my Queen (as I came to know her)
crying
this was strange she was a quiet
and guarded beauty
I caught her staring at the stones

"What is a matter my dearest Queen?" I said
She would not answer.
Those stones used to make me so mad
I would yell at them while she was under them
It made me frustrated and confused
they were the only things that had the power
to truly weigh down on my Queen
making her upset.

I finally knew.
Another day later
I saw him
He added more to the stones
He shouted more things he never meant
making himself more ugly then he was.
As he did this he added weight
to the stones
that would bare down
over the Queen

I cried for days
I thought my heart would not recover
I had to leave but
I could not leave her

I told her about the stones
but she knew all
He on the other hand was blind to them.
He thought the more he added the more he
looked beautiful.
I tried to talk to him
But ended up yelling at the stones also
She was the only one strong enough to take them down

But her heart was too weak

I left.
Fearing I would put more on her
crushing her completely
Every day the beautiful sound grew louder
the yearning to be near it became over powering
I flew on
feeling useless
and unable to do anything
for the most beautiful ones that I loved.

You will never know the secret
underneath my skin
I try to show
what was
What could have been


I never had this before



courage



Now I try to light the streets
My best is not enough
giving up
giving in
are not options
comfortable
easy
as hateful as shame

Still water

You frozen
in the eye
of the mind
haunt me daily
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////I uncovered you
naked
but you
never asked
for a blanket

your face

I have bags and bags full
This debt I will never pay off
Not with you ever
till time makes the stink go away
yet never changing your memory

Some people realize and have given up
I tried so hard to make things right
But you stay frozen in a time that used to be
a time we sat upon
acting like there was no end
no questions asked

Now I wish I could take it back
Not so that it never was
but so that it was never
what it should have never been

I made you say things you never meant
I made you do things you wanted to
the flame of desire drew me on
and didn't stop until reason prevailed

I used to spend each waking moment
worrying
now it is your turn
to worry about yourself

As I kiss the cold lips of your memory
I hope it is the last time
stop haunting me
let go of me
I let go of you
yet draging your face everywhere

Seasons

We all get stung
by the eternal noonday sun
eyes dried out
sockets left bare
spending our waking hours
in the darkness

It was then I completed true love
I did what was best
ceased to kiss your skin
left my memories
awakened the fear of lonely dreams
left your hand bare

Now shaking
on shifting ground I carry on
I wonder if a new heart
can take this weary load

New hearts
determined to plant pleasant dreams
I await all of our seasons
to test our fields worthy
for the rays of shining sun
watching the rain
sending tiny messages of good will
I anticipating to see what grows
wondering if the rain does fall
not measuring where it lands
day in and day out
hoping I was not too late
thinking on all the wasted hours
Thinking of your heart
striving to make it at home with mine
I want to be alive
everything to be real
not perfect
to be awake

I long for your eyes to be open
met by every shade
of imperfection and imperfection
to do what I can
and maybe
if I am allowed
to go beyond what I can

To take that chance
waiting
for in the
Summer
Spring
Winter
to see the harvest
of the Golden Fall

and in that Fall
together

times

I can't force my self
but another force takes over
everything I've ever wanted becomes

I try to conceal the line
I try not to feel

but it's like my second nature takes over
something deeper explains to me what's real

I get so scared
When I blurt my feelings out
I let them go before
and I lost everything
my whole self to another

and I'm still trying to find the pieces










and still you are ok with that.

The longest miles are in your heart
these are the roads that lead the longest
with out beginning or start

These are the fragile ships
that weather endless storms
but yet a single word
break the mast
turn the sailor's hearts

If our eye are together
then why are our bodies
so far from with in us

Why do we breath so hard?
Why do you think at all?
If the heart is a cold stone
If winter is where
you've made your home

Desperately I've tried
adding up my mistakes
to make the perfect sum

It was my duty to wait for you
My destiny to grow old
waiting for change


Like a faithful dog,
I was never to leave your dying side
when death was all you welcomed in life
When pain was your only drink
Depression the only food you'd eat

I was to stop my life
I was supposed to stoop down
Becoming better was becoming worse
I was meant to stay behind
and lose with you
to gain your time

But you never gained mine.

In my way

you understand everything
The way I feel when I’m alone
What dreams may come in sleep
swallow me up
Whole
So there is nothing left
Do you know who I am
I can feel your breath
Under my skin
Inside of my walls
Beaming down
Only one barrier sticks out
Childishly Erected
Like scribbles on a page
It stands in my way

Where I live

There is a tuft of green grass
I'd like to sit there
sit and think

Erosion

You were like a god that walked upon the earth
Worshiping your every move, I clung to your waking breath
Out lining every curve and line
forced imperfections to the surface
Easily dismissing them as a reflection of myself

I lost myself in you, fully
divulging thought, desire, fear, joy, pain
feeding my body to the flame
mind burning at soul
feeding it daily, I tossed aside consequence
until the still small voice was quieted

Only then did I fully understand nirvana
floating to the shores of your consciousness
I lost you

I searched day and night
(determined to bring you back)
turning over every dead body in my mind
form after form
face after face
the same blank stare
the same body

my own

Meanings

I must make up my own meaning.
Which is what I did to you.
I'm too much of something.
Or not enough of what you want.
I need to go. To leave. And you need to stay?
I'm not sure. You could of just changed because the wind.
I must make up my own meaning but of this I'm never sure.

I found a secret

I wondered why tears would form at the edge of my eye lids and slide softly down my cheek. Every one that fell pounded on my heart and weighed on my mind. It was a natural tendency I thought. The world was sad, so messed up, so wrong. In turn it made sensitive people like myself, cry. I never knew that I was viewing myself from a dirty circus mirror.

I thought that I was always perfect, but my fault was excepting perfection, with out giving it. Even excepting it from my self was ridiculous. I would always try to accept and understand others for their fault. In the back of my mind, I was always holding onto the fact that I was endlessly disappointed.

No one could be me. No one could think my great thoughts and so I was lonely. Isolating my self from true meaning and true love I began to reject anything that was unlike me. Yet in everything that rejected me I saw a reflection of what I was and intensely hated, with a burning, inextinguishable hatred. I built my life on judgment and assumptions. When I could not live up to my standards I made sure I paid for it, unlike others around me, with constant unending guilt. I was better then "them" for I made sure I paid for my mistakes and I made sure I kept score for not only me but for them also. I am a bad person. I have felt it, seen it, and now I refuse to deny it.

Today, I take a long hard look at my self. I can clearly see my self. I can clearly see others. I am a bad person. I knew before, but never believed it. Others would tell me not to get down on myself so I would not. But if I attempt to rightly judge others I must truthfully judge myself. I have refused to give compassion a forgiveness for so long that it has taken away the very center of everything good in my life. my inability to forgive has not only ruined my relationships with others but distorted my view of the human condition. I is destructive to assume you are good. Who can live up to your standard? If you don't make exceptions, then all will die crushed under your iron fist of judgment.

Love is something impossible made possible. We make it possible knowing we are evil, messed up, and wrong with the world. Does it not make sense that it is the distinct plan for life that we who destroy everything should be pardoned? More then just letting it slide or letting it off the hook, which is the human tendency to pacify ourselves. Many things in life make exceptions but always remember and are always there to remind us that we have better be on our best behavior and never do that one wrong again. That would be ok just this one time, BUT actually having forgiveness, this is a great gift. Having mercy, as if we had never did what we did. As if we were accepted in spite of ourselves. To be fully known and fully loved. This is true forgiveness.

Then the leaves changed

If I had one more chance
you could never forget

I would do everything
In my power to keep you

But then again
I did

Just when I knew for sure
It was over

I can do that

I do crazy amazing things for stress.I bite down on my jaw really hard and long.
SO much so that it makes my ears hurt.Sometimes I stay up all night with it. Sometimes I eat a whole bunch of ice cream.Other times I use people. That makes me feel like a bad person. Nights and day I spend time in it and with it. I think about it in the future I think about it in the past. It gets me so tired sometimes I feel exhausted and too tired to do any real work. I stop dreaming dreams and singing the songs in my heart. I realized that stress is no good for me. So I told it to leave. I don't want it in my life....I guess I can do that.

combustion

Every drop different
Like the breath of new life
Empty hidden meanings
ready to break

Dangerous looks from scuffing shoes
black lines all down the floor
Dam
ready to break

We can be no where
any where
somewhere
gone

Like a flash
you tired sleeves
dropping down lower and lower

All around everything is new
dead on the outside
living breathing stopping
laughing
choking
sighing
running

There is a forced smile
on the face of a girl
on the face of a boy

the girl changes into a broken plate
the boy into a rusted nail

Once they lived to see the sun rebirth
nothing can stop the madness
it depends on everything

Dream girl

I was The Perfect Piece
My perfect hair
my perfect teeth
eyes never saw underneath
O that ocean ever deep!

I Try to hold no blame
You were taught to think
every girl is every girl
essentially the same

Maybe side by side
I would a agree
Open your mind!
look at me!

Love

Everyone is in the mood.
I think about you so much these days.
I wonder if I'll find you.
I keep telling myself, telling the air, I will.
No matter what I will find you.
I found all the letters I wrote some hopeful others regretful.
I can't wait to meet you.
Or die with the idea of you in my heart.
I love love.
I love seeing it all around.
I love when people get married.
When babies are born.
Most of all I like when couples will plan stuff for the other person as a surprise.
I always think to myself someday I'll do that.
Someday it'll all make sense.
I hope this is not all way too crazy. I know you'll have both feet on the ground but I also hope there will be a strong romantic part of you that will understand all these crazy ideas in my head, and maybe, want to go along with them.
I imagine it.
It'll be like singing a song you only know part of the words to but then you find someone who only knows the other parts that you don't know. You'll pick up where I leave off.
You don't know me at all
but someday will you know me the best anyone ever has.
I sit here like a lonely tea cup.
I hope I don't scare you too much or try so much it smothers you.
I hope you understand my limitations and imperfections and can look past that to see the beauty that I feel is there. The beauty that is the best of me that I hope is real.
More than that I hope I am brave enough to do the same for you.
To try when I'm scare and to understand your gentleness.
For now I hold to you like the wind.