The cost of a death grip

I was wrong about a lot. I was wrong about too much. Yes, you should be honest but sometimes you should shut your mouth because you’re not always right. I used to feel so stifled. I used to think I felt this way because other people kept me down but the truth is that I don’t know so much as I thought I didn’t. The more and more I grow the smaller and smaller I get in the big picture of things. Maybe it’s not that I never had anything to say but maybe its because I am a nobody. Maybe I got love all wrong so far I know that I’ve screwed so many relationships up by giving too much or not enough or giving the wrong thing. I know nothing of you and I have come to realize I know very little of myself. This is what I have discovered painfully sitting down and examining myself: I am always right. These are the consequences of living up to this: I can never let anyone know me fully, I can Feel safe, I can be in control, I make myself feel intelligent, I can never examine myself truthfully, I cannot examine the world around me truthfully, I constantly view the world incomplete, I must reject others and their view points, I have to know everything faster than anyone else, I can’t be human.
So it comes down to this either I let this go or I constantly let it choke me, thwart me and stun my growth. It’s so hard to talk about it but I have to talk about it to anyone who still cares. If I do talk about it most people know enough to except they do not know everything and it might be a non issue so hard to conceive in their minds what it’s like to be This. I don’t want to talk about because it makes me wrong and at all costs I am right (which I’ve experienced to be a very high price). And lastly I’m scared because I put myself in a very venerable position to whoever I talk to about this.
It should be someone that has put up with me this far not someone that I don’t know very well so I don’t know if this will over whelm/annoy them. I need to change and finally I want to. I have also learned (the hard way) that most strangers you dump on do not view the trash as their treasure.
I have learned the hard way paying a dear price all along the way. I regret the missed friendships, I regret the alienations of others, I regret the unnecessary loneliness and isolation, the hurt, the loss of love, and loss of LIVING. I want to be alive but it cost so much, but what I never grasped until now was that being half alive cost so much more.

Why hearts get lonely

"Men have always fought their misery with dreams. Although dreams were once powerful, they have been made puerile by movies, radio, and newspapers. Among many betrayals, this one is the worst."

We all want. Want to believe in something but constantly we are told that these desires for something better is no good or futile. We are told to simply stop. We are feed the lies that nothing will change, nothing should change, and you are only one person and can do nothing. We are taught to be lazy and to only live when it is appropriate to live. It's strange to be different to go against culture to believe in something and to not only believe but give a reason for our actions in that belief. Constantly, we are not allowed to think of good reasons for why we do things. We are merely allowed to do to produce to put fourth and to forget why we even began to do at all. Therefore we thwart all conviction with shallow reasoning and logic.

We all should be willing and ready to give a reason to anyone who asks about the Hope we have because we should have thought about these reasons long before we carelessly went along and followed others.

The end.

It all comes down to the end of the wire
we all feel sad
we all get wore and tired
everyone wants to be secure
everyone needs to know something
because all these words sounds like
nothing at all
All our comfort is striped
your lungs are about to burst
the only sound is of them searching for air
we were as beautiful as a movie
and as happy as on tv
but i can't see that now
see the line on the ground
just make it across

I get tired

I get so tired of thinking thinking thinking thinking. One of my biggest weaknesses is my laziness. I always thought if you were smart enough everything would be easy and maybe its true because even though people talk about my intelligence i don't see it. The more and more I learn the more questions i have, hard questions too, maybe with no answers? I don't think that intelligence can help me now, i don't think that i could help me, maybe there is no help :) maybe were not supposed to know everything but i don't want to say that just because its hard to know anything of any real importance. The answers don't just come and maybe when they do they aren't simple. I don't like how to be a Christian every thing is supposed to be simple and uncovered maybe I'm wrong, maybe we're all wrong. I mean God can't be that easy. I just feel like He's so hidden sometimes, then other times its like He's right there and the funny thing is that most times i can't stand other Christians because they boil everything down to nothing but a nice show. I want more then that, i want reality even if its painful and course, in fact if it is it'll be better.

The Tragedy

This really breaks my heart
it breaks my heart because sometimes this is all people can see of God
Because of me. Us. The Christians.

This is some lyrics from a new song called Laughing With coming out from Regina Specktor this June that really hit me.

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious

These lines cut me so deep because I know Him and He is Not this. The song goes through different scenarios that cause people to go looking for God and sometimes all they find is Us not Him or like description this song gives, of the poor excuse of Him that We Have Bought into. Forgive me. Show me more of the REAL You. Help people to see only who You Are.