To even the scores

Still so sick. I can feel it in my throat and my ears.
I think maybe its judgment or maybe its just wrong priorities. I know its both.
Being so unfocused helps you choose bad decisions. I remember sitting in Providence thinking to myself that I had to go. Feeling the inside of my ears scrape each other. In my mind I was saying five more minutes. Now I know I made the wrong choice.

I realize to get any sort of love you have to be what that other person perceives you as. I tried and realized that no one really loves you unless there is some sort of gain, something in return. I was so foolish. I thought that people did nice things for each other out of the kindness of there hearts but this is not so. Our poor excuse for love in human terms is always untrue and at best, weak.

Though, I still believe real love can be found. It does not emanate with the heart, in feelings, but with the mind in reason. Purposeful love is the only kind that can survive. The first sounds of true love resound with, the will. Purposing to stick things through and love no matter what can only come from a mindful decision. If it is based on feelings, love will die before those who first saw it born breathed their last breath. True Love, will out live eternity.

I knew

I thought I saw Love
Yes I could tell the face
I saw it pass me by

I thought I had Hope
Yes I held the sunrise
I would watch it grow dark


I thought I knew You
Yes I could touch inside
I never came too close

I Knew I felt something
Yes I then felt the cold
I let winter take my heart

Saving

I was just lying there. I felt so sick. I had to wait. Not long but it was hard to put up a front. My head is so stuffed up it's hard to think. I drifted off and started to imagine me and you.I start to think what things would be like if everything was ok. If everything was figured out. We were laughing walking near the shore(you don't like the beach). Your dog was there and we were chasing him. I was dancing around and it was nice and sunny. We were silly but most of all we were happy.

I told you not to come look for me until you fixed everything. Now I'm not sure if I'm strong enough, so I keep it all inside. I'll take that class in the winter because you won't be around. I think to myself that you won't do anything. You have no motivation. I'm not even enough to motivate you and that hurts. I wish I was enough to make you change, enough to make you remember. Your jobs do, I guess. So that is good right? I mess everything up because nothing matters to you. You only don't want to get yelled at but that isn't even enough to make you leave. It's never enough.

So now I know. I the answer and I know the question. I never thought I'd say it out loud. I always thought that you would come through. That you would call me up one day and ask to meet up. It would be a surprise. You'd take me to the beach you'd bring your dog and food that you had made. You'd lay out the blanket and everything would be there. I wouldn't have to go through the drive or the time there worried about anything. You would've taken care of it all. But you have no time to think any of this through, you are too busy surviving. You think different from me so you never would.

I thought the only problem was that you couldn't fall asleep but now I know better.