Crap.

So I'm in my good friend from high school's wedding. Amandah Ortiz. I'm wearing Heals, doing my nails and getting my hair done. Very out of character for me. But I have decided to write about things that i haven't ever done. And not that I've never gotten my nails done or my hair but professionally BUT it has been awhile. I think its been at least four years for my hair and about ten for the nails. It seems even more contradictory because I have been lately reading about the life of Keith Green and musician during the Jesus movement and it makes me want to go hippie again. It also got me thinking about my music. I'm going to be recording soon thanks to Jer's mac but i just don't know where to take it. I don't want fame or a big break honestly maybe because i'm scared that i'm not good enough. I really want to do it for God through Him and to Him which is so hard because there are times where i know i sound so good. My pride is usually opposite so it scares me to slightly like what i do. I think though that I need to get it up to Him and ask Him to lead me. I mean I have these visions of playing on the streets in cities and parks with kids my age all around just listening. I'm scared though. Its always been hard for me to put myself out there with out music but i feel like i should shine Christ and draw men to Him not to me through my music.It's so hard because i know i have talent and i feel like i could go all the way and it like i said before makes me feel guilty. I realized something else and people are the most responsive when i'm closest to the Lord when i'm praying fasting and consumed in Him. HE wants the to be healed He wants to speak through them but HE wants to DO it.

I am the girl from the caves...

I decided that this year it will be different and I couldn’t wait till januaray to write about it. All during the Christmas season I felt the change stirring inside me I need it I live off of things like change. Instead of constantly fighting who and what I decided was to embrace it. Not only embrace my differences but my differences with others. I always find it hard to let people be and to not be afraid to let things be. Fear has been at the heart of a lot of things in these past years. I have been so afraid to live and let live. Once I realized I know nothing at all it just made me scared to discover the beautiful things unbeknownst to me. I want to live like I live under my own little rock where everything is new yet not as one on an Island who gets savage and harsh from the loneness and who cannot be befriended but as one who has just woken up who wants to experience everything. Today I leave my Island not knowing fully what I have left and not fully knowing what I go towards but I know I must fight to enjoy every moment of the journey. Today I got assaulted with art a lot of the implications I know nothing about but I saw colors today from distance lands that I’ve never seen. The things from Iran are the most unique to me. Africa is wild and I can feel it through the art its untamed and holds the perception of never becoming ruled over. Whenever Greg would play drums I always thought that fast Rhythm was Africa’s heart beating in the Sahara. Oceaniana was wild but it felt disconnected like it was a small wild that could be over take but was always underlying like in the Caribbean. Those people stay ruled over but the hearts stay unmoved. Last night my eyes were so young but today they have seen much more. I think that the idea of resurrection is so beautiful. You die to come back more then what you were. This year I died very deeply but this coming year I live again.

He is.

He is all and can do all. Most of the time i feel like i'm just swinging at these constant things coming into my life. Lately i have been learning the fine line we all must walk between trusting God to do what He says he will and your responsibility in your walk. Where and when he wants you to act. Most of the time He is speaking but i don't hear Him or can't. I hope to get close and closer to Him to obtain His presence constantly. The Christmas lights are up in the little park next to my house but the magic turns off at 10:40. The things that should be bright and shining are gone. It made me think of how often I turn off. I give up. I give in. Either by believing i have nothing to do or i can do what ever i want. Its that fine line not to turn the lights out.

So I was like....

People amaze me so much but not as much as God amazes me. Getting inside someones head is like getting into an parallel universe. Plus the whole "don't judge a book by it cover" has been proven right time and time again. Sometimes i wonder why we have outsides that often are completely different from the inside of us. Why does are eternal soul constantly just judge the external man? Probably because we believe that the outside is a good indication of what the inside holds but that perception should not hold us i do believe. I'm just talking to myself really because I find myself making friends with people i thought i would have no connection with and i'm sick of people judging other people and forming untrue notions and jumping to conclusions, and most of all i'm sick of catching myself do it. this blogs goal is to win a boardgame-a-thon and to start planning to move out!

All the leaves are brown

My goal for this blog is to get a Buddy Holly record…..and find someone with a record player. He has a good sound. I was watching this documentary on him. I really like Not fade away, peggy sue, and words of love is my favorite I like the sound of the drums, it gives it like an Island feel. So a lot has happened on entering back into society….that’s right I have been in hiding for the past month and you would think that I wouldn’t have a lot to talk about but the weird thing is that I have more things than normal to talk about. Also I wanted to blog it down before I start working like a mad women! That’s right I got a job, and one that I won’t hate…I think. It’s a portrait photographer! It’s the one that I really wanted and it took me having to go down there in person to get it but I guess that’s jus call being persistent. The lady wasn’t calling me back because her daughter jus had a kid and it was a month premature! And also she’s a nut she did the interview outside while smoking J Ok .First of all I had time to spend a lot of one on one time just me and Jesus and it got me back on track. He’s been telling me to wait but its so hard I want to go right now. Its been hard being home, I day dream just about every day that I’m somewhere else doing something else but I know that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I got to see my brothers Tim and Jer in Atlanta! (I think I enjoy that city so much because I don’t realize how dangerous it is) I guess our roles are reversed because now Tim is going to try and travel as much as he can before he decides to stay with Delta or not and Jer is going to be heading to Europe for the winter. I’m real jealous! But again the only think I keep on hearing is ‘Wait’. It reminds me about how God waited till the last moment to tell me that I was staying in Hungary. Its silly to be worried or to focus so much on it because then you can’t give yourself fully to where you’re at. I keep being taught that over and over but it doesn’t seem to be sticking. Man, I want to stop running around in these stupid silly unhappy circles and that manufacture aimlessness. Today I played worship and my church it was good….I think I learned so much in Hungary. I’m less insecure and more trusting that God will come through. It was good to jus play guitar again. I talked to Jim about getting a rotation. I think Jamie might start playing and singing too. The only thing is that Jim’s talking about recording me…..I jus dunno. I do want to do more music stuff and want the songs I write to really speak to people. But I thought I’d start slow like get on a coffee shop circuit then think about recording stuff. Oh and I painted this new picture based on Is 58:12:::

I’m working on another one based on ‘you shall kno the truth and the truth shall set you free’. So that’s about all there is to my surfacy life. I miss a lot of people like Hungary people and California people and married people and long lost friends, so basically I love and miss you all. Oh yea I’ve been writing poetry lately here are some of my favorites:
Someday you will save the world

You brush your teeth

You save your dentist the trouble of using his drill

You drink a lot of milk

Saving your doctor a visit to cast a limb or two

You came to me

And you have saved my life

With your words

Your smile

Your way

Now I don’t have to wonder where you are

You saved me the trouble of the chase

I am a rebel a wreck

have dishes in the sink

My library books are all overdue

give the mail man a hard time

blow fuses

Wear socks with sandals

I am a renege a manic

Forgetting floss everyday

Listening to do-wap

Liking to Complain

I reuse my tea bag ya that’s right

So what do you have a problem with?

Why the long face?

Because chances are you wish you could break loose

So come on no one is looking

You’ve got no one to impress

Lets dance in this rain

You wont even feel wet

What do you want with me

You bring me to these places of desperation

I’m so hungry and thirsty

I need so much

Where are you now?

I feel so incomplete, like nothing I do will work

Like I’ll always be wandering looking searching

I told you I’d go anywhere

As long as you went with me

But where did you go?

Why did you lead me here?

What is it you’re doing?

My heart is broken and it bleeds terrible blackness

I can’t cure this sickness

I can’t heal the cut

You leave me wounded

But where else can I go?

Piano keys

Lying next to each other

Black

White

They sing sing sing sing

Making both hands

Dance dance dance dance

Move and flow

Be free

Don’t freeze

Exhale

let go and jump in

So I have realized a lot of things this past month. I went on this crazy trip looking for myself thinking i guess that I would find this person that made sense and that was uncomplicated and i would find this notch and fall right into it. I found that I fight life. I'm not like you. I don't get a kick out of staring at racks of clothes, or marriage or being comfortable. I hate eating and sleeping it takes up too much time. I know that this wont make a lot of sense to the average human that reads this and i'm not looking for it too. Know that i will disappoint you, you'll be sad and i won't have words for you and you will have many problems that i won't have any solutions for. Because to me all your problems are simple. They're simple when your not fighting life like i do. I love Jesus but i hate washing my hair and thinking about health care or what i could possibly even think of eating at the drive through window. The problem is not that living with my parents or not knowing what to say or working the problem is that i want to be free. I want to live with out food shopping or owning a car or sleeping eight hours every night. Things feel like weights but people want to be heavier. I want to be free I don't want a kitchen or a lawn or a tv. I want knowledge, age, experience things that you can't take away from someone, things you can't buy. The booze disappear and people can steal your joy if you let them but what you learn what is suspended inside your heart can never be taken. I want to be something that no one can take i want to give you me but in order to do that you have to give you. But most people think that you can just buy a person like an object they forget that that person is after the same things you are. So stop and ask why sometimes instead of how maybe you'll get the answers aand at best you'll get new ones at least. I get so tired of just being just milking time or trying to make myself like something. I want to sleep on mountains and listen to different languages and be in water for the sake of water not for the sake of being clean. I want to feel hunger and weariness. I want to look into peoples eyes and not just hear them talking but actually hear what beats their heart. I want to see what God sees. I want Him to speak to me so clearly that i can tell from every tone in His voice. I'm frustrated because everyone just wants to be comfortable but i just want to be on an adventure doing things that i was made for. I want it to be difficult because those are some of the best adventures and i want it to be with be that i enjoy and that enjoy me. Most of all though I want Him I want Him to consume me i want to not have to try everything to know if its really Him. I want Him to know and have and keep every part that i am and that I could be. So the goal for this blog besides sleeping on the beach is to get through today and to get through every day after that but, the problem is i want more. I want to not just get through them i want to live them and not have sleeping dreams as my redemption.

Sometimes the words fail me

I kno it may be long but it basically sums up everything i am and want and need...... my goal for this blog besides uncover the secret Canadian conspiracy to take over the world is to have to Lord make this Real.

We're Hungry Lord
We're hungry for something, Lord.
We have so much rich food and cake and candy for ourselves, but we're hungry.
People around us are so stiff and tight and hard to reach.
And they make us that way.
But we're hungry for something more.
People we know keep talking about great ideas, brilliant questions, and the problem of God's existence.
But we're hungry for You, not ideas or theories.
We want You to touch us, to reach inside us and turn us on.
There are so many people who will counsel us to death.
But we're hungry for someone who really knows You and has You, someone who can get so close to us that we can see You there.
We have so many things, but we're hungry for You.
Deep, deep down inside we're hungry, even if we appear to be silly, lazy, or unconcerned at times.
We're hungry for your kind of power and love and joy.
Feed us, Lord, feed us with Your rich food.
~Anonymous

the small things of life

goal number 27 try not to get stuck in a worm hole...
its great how the little things in life make you happy
like for instance buttons; small, round, different shapes, cloth, wood, they make you so happy. especially a bid huge pile of them or maybe just one around your neck *wink*.Or having exact change or finding money on a rainy day or hearing a familiar song in a strange foreign place, jump ropes, and butterflies and stars. Or being able to eat a nice and moist pancake. Thats what happen to me. I was so hungry and
i knew I didnt want any more school food
Being a bratty Mcbratkins
But along came Imre
He told me to follow him
I thought he just wanted me to help him with something
Oh No I thought
we get to the kitchen and he hands me a plate with a pancake covered in syrup
My day was just made.

Here we are

Goal two: always be ready for a swim.
I think i'll get piled up in goals but that is A-OK.
So its pretty cool here in Hungary. We learn different language, clean stuff, help with food, and most days take a dive in the pool. I think that God thought of me when He made water. I freak out if I haven't been in it for awhile. I missing the beach something fierce. But I remind myself that I will see it again soon maybe get someone on the way to Georgia to stop by it or the day or two I'm home jump in. Oh yea here is the plan I will be praying about these next couple of weeks: 1)Summer of Service (this sweet place im at right now) 2)England! Motttttty! and Jennahahahaaa 3) toss up between Amster D and Ireland; AmsterD=God Ireland=self :) purely 4)NYC bus home to Boston 5) road trip to Georgia get a Jercut see some friends get some questions answered OR the alter net is to stick it out for two weeks or so see people and get the same yet different questions answered 6)Wedding cry cry cry 7) this one is really up in the air road trip all the way to Canada OR fly back home live there OR go to AZ and live there till next semster OR hike the App. trail OR move to Portland OR move to where ever Mrs. Lewis is and finish music course OR live some where and start the Photography thang OR live back home till the Lord opens a door to a different country. I dunno but I will pray. It is all kind of a bore to write about but not so much for me when I think about it. I mean its crazy to think that God can lay out your whole life and He is just waiting for you to come a seek Him for it. Will write soon but the bed calls........................

this is the first day of my life....in SoS

I think my goal this summer is to learn bridge.....I mean I'm already am good at shuffle board.
that is goal one. I want to write so much right now but I can't. I hate that wanting to do something so bad but ending up doing something totally different. Ok Bye.