Crap.

So I'm in my good friend from high school's wedding. Amandah Ortiz. I'm wearing Heals, doing my nails and getting my hair done. Very out of character for me. But I have decided to write about things that i haven't ever done. And not that I've never gotten my nails done or my hair but professionally BUT it has been awhile. I think its been at least four years for my hair and about ten for the nails. It seems even more contradictory because I have been lately reading about the life of Keith Green and musician during the Jesus movement and it makes me want to go hippie again. It also got me thinking about my music. I'm going to be recording soon thanks to Jer's mac but i just don't know where to take it. I don't want fame or a big break honestly maybe because i'm scared that i'm not good enough. I really want to do it for God through Him and to Him which is so hard because there are times where i know i sound so good. My pride is usually opposite so it scares me to slightly like what i do. I think though that I need to get it up to Him and ask Him to lead me. I mean I have these visions of playing on the streets in cities and parks with kids my age all around just listening. I'm scared though. Its always been hard for me to put myself out there with out music but i feel like i should shine Christ and draw men to Him not to me through my music.It's so hard because i know i have talent and i feel like i could go all the way and it like i said before makes me feel guilty. I realized something else and people are the most responsive when i'm closest to the Lord when i'm praying fasting and consumed in Him. HE wants the to be healed He wants to speak through them but HE wants to DO it.

I am the girl from the caves...

I decided that this year it will be different and I couldn’t wait till januaray to write about it. All during the Christmas season I felt the change stirring inside me I need it I live off of things like change. Instead of constantly fighting who and what I decided was to embrace it. Not only embrace my differences but my differences with others. I always find it hard to let people be and to not be afraid to let things be. Fear has been at the heart of a lot of things in these past years. I have been so afraid to live and let live. Once I realized I know nothing at all it just made me scared to discover the beautiful things unbeknownst to me. I want to live like I live under my own little rock where everything is new yet not as one on an Island who gets savage and harsh from the loneness and who cannot be befriended but as one who has just woken up who wants to experience everything. Today I leave my Island not knowing fully what I have left and not fully knowing what I go towards but I know I must fight to enjoy every moment of the journey. Today I got assaulted with art a lot of the implications I know nothing about but I saw colors today from distance lands that I’ve never seen. The things from Iran are the most unique to me. Africa is wild and I can feel it through the art its untamed and holds the perception of never becoming ruled over. Whenever Greg would play drums I always thought that fast Rhythm was Africa’s heart beating in the Sahara. Oceaniana was wild but it felt disconnected like it was a small wild that could be over take but was always underlying like in the Caribbean. Those people stay ruled over but the hearts stay unmoved. Last night my eyes were so young but today they have seen much more. I think that the idea of resurrection is so beautiful. You die to come back more then what you were. This year I died very deeply but this coming year I live again.

He is.

He is all and can do all. Most of the time i feel like i'm just swinging at these constant things coming into my life. Lately i have been learning the fine line we all must walk between trusting God to do what He says he will and your responsibility in your walk. Where and when he wants you to act. Most of the time He is speaking but i don't hear Him or can't. I hope to get close and closer to Him to obtain His presence constantly. The Christmas lights are up in the little park next to my house but the magic turns off at 10:40. The things that should be bright and shining are gone. It made me think of how often I turn off. I give up. I give in. Either by believing i have nothing to do or i can do what ever i want. Its that fine line not to turn the lights out.