To even the scores

Still so sick. I can feel it in my throat and my ears.
I think maybe its judgment or maybe its just wrong priorities. I know its both.
Being so unfocused helps you choose bad decisions. I remember sitting in Providence thinking to myself that I had to go. Feeling the inside of my ears scrape each other. In my mind I was saying five more minutes. Now I know I made the wrong choice.

I realize to get any sort of love you have to be what that other person perceives you as. I tried and realized that no one really loves you unless there is some sort of gain, something in return. I was so foolish. I thought that people did nice things for each other out of the kindness of there hearts but this is not so. Our poor excuse for love in human terms is always untrue and at best, weak.

Though, I still believe real love can be found. It does not emanate with the heart, in feelings, but with the mind in reason. Purposeful love is the only kind that can survive. The first sounds of true love resound with, the will. Purposing to stick things through and love no matter what can only come from a mindful decision. If it is based on feelings, love will die before those who first saw it born breathed their last breath. True Love, will out live eternity.

I knew

I thought I saw Love
Yes I could tell the face
I saw it pass me by

I thought I had Hope
Yes I held the sunrise
I would watch it grow dark


I thought I knew You
Yes I could touch inside
I never came too close

I Knew I felt something
Yes I then felt the cold
I let winter take my heart

Saving

I was just lying there. I felt so sick. I had to wait. Not long but it was hard to put up a front. My head is so stuffed up it's hard to think. I drifted off and started to imagine me and you.I start to think what things would be like if everything was ok. If everything was figured out. We were laughing walking near the shore(you don't like the beach). Your dog was there and we were chasing him. I was dancing around and it was nice and sunny. We were silly but most of all we were happy.

I told you not to come look for me until you fixed everything. Now I'm not sure if I'm strong enough, so I keep it all inside. I'll take that class in the winter because you won't be around. I think to myself that you won't do anything. You have no motivation. I'm not even enough to motivate you and that hurts. I wish I was enough to make you change, enough to make you remember. Your jobs do, I guess. So that is good right? I mess everything up because nothing matters to you. You only don't want to get yelled at but that isn't even enough to make you leave. It's never enough.

So now I know. I the answer and I know the question. I never thought I'd say it out loud. I always thought that you would come through. That you would call me up one day and ask to meet up. It would be a surprise. You'd take me to the beach you'd bring your dog and food that you had made. You'd lay out the blanket and everything would be there. I wouldn't have to go through the drive or the time there worried about anything. You would've taken care of it all. But you have no time to think any of this through, you are too busy surviving. You think different from me so you never would.

I thought the only problem was that you couldn't fall asleep but now I know better.

Noise

Everything you do screams at me
The way you look
The silence
I thought I was sincere
But my heart is blank
Everyone will find someone new
But I take it the hardest
I want no new me
My heart is a packed up room
boxes full of things
I'm scared to unpack

I promised myself I would do things right
I wouldn't be like what I came from
But I'm no less better
I'm in this
I have no answer
But need one.

You would never be honest
You would avoid
You would never explain
You would never be real

Never make a mistake
But mine won't be the same
Because I'll know.

Broken Wing

There was color every where
in the air I tracked the change
Underneath me flash after flash
Orange, Red, Yellow
Some green, some purple
Tall golden towers burst fourth
Tiny new lives were formed
In exchange
Slowly all that the world had worked for
during the summer
was dying
I watched the dance of coolness
float in like the sound
of a last trumpet call

As I stopped on a branch
just for resting
I had to move
this was all on my mind
Until
I heard another near the ground
It's soft voice cried out in pain

As I slowly flew to the ground
I saw what was causing the pain
the left wing was stuck in a
thorn bush

I came along side
closer to the beat in the chest
breaths were rapid
Slowly not to startle
I took hold of one of the big thorns
pinning the wing down
He let out a whimper of pain

It was a long process
I had to work late into the night
Finally the thorn broke
the wing freed

I stayed with him
until the first rays
of the new day broke the horizon
I was so close
I listened to the beat
underneath
inside of him
It startled me
This was the sound
of every door
opening
Of every inhale
Of every peal of laughter
Every tear that fell
from heavy hearts

There was red
It was every where
Red
spilled over
his pure white wing

I cried as a watched him
in the morning
he tried and tried
to fly
I had to help him
He ignored me
pretending there was no pain
he fluttered to the edge
of the tall steal faces
those comforting friends
Now
They looked coldly on all of this

I flew along him
He was upset
I wanted to help
But there was that beat
I knew he had it
I wanted to be close to it

I did not know
I had it
too

Distilled

You go one way
I'll go the other

Its the only way to
disappear

To separate from each
other

It was never about
a reaction
yet always involving
chemistry

Did they want to go?
Who knows but now
the heat is on

Sleepless
like rain drip dropping
on my window sill
lays that heavy little spot
This was not what I thought
Not what I want
I tried to do
Tried to be
I was not

I look
See Sea
C

Tiny
Smaller
Less and Less

I grab with both hands
I keep hold of both ends

I feel your heat
I touched your feet
We stayed on the ground
We stayed in seats
Swimming
in the rain
Little microscopic dots
Wet
on the corner
of your cheek

I finally let go
strength to stand

Lonely
away from

the home we form

When our hands aren't empty

The struggle

As I travel on and on.
I realize I am alone
I long to go back to those familiar figures
Slender strong dark
They made me feel safe
Caught up in the remembrances I forget to fly
Down down I fall
faster and faster
I am going to crash into the bottom
I try with all my might
but it's no good further and further I sink
closer to the familiar ground
closer to that which I was afraid to leave
I get more lonely
Now the war is in me
One side wants to crash
To be injured
never fly past the small bushes that line the ground
Then other part
to sore to the highest parts of the sky
Right on the edge of that thing that I can not see or live with out
Then a sudden rush of wind from behind picks me up in my struggle
I fly on shaking
Knowing
As I look at the thrones down below
The fate I just escaped

Swim

I always saw you
Even you were hidden from your own self
Now I wonder if I'm good enough
Good enough now to touch you

I fear that you will see me trying
Trying to be the person I'm not sure of


This is all I have
I'm scared it will never be enough

That I will try and try and you will always know

and that maybe you won't stay

you'll see through me

then it will be over

So there it is
my hands are up
Now you know my secret that I feel like nothing
that I don't deserve nice things
that I have so many problems


That when I stop swimming










I sink

Spinning

Why do I go on hurting you?
I go around and round
Until its only pain
moving through
Why don't I go away?
Disappear?
I I stay I know
the end.
It's dangerous.
Love.
I must accept
Then Endure.
I think that my heart won't beat
My breath will cease
But here is the cruel fact:
The one I want to avoid:
Everything will be the same
except for you
and me.

She said He said

I wonder if you tell me the truth
Those eye could never lie?

I stop to think then I set the thought away



It is the only way to stop the pain?
Things unchanged by time
You never knew
I buried them, hid them
Or you never listened to what I was saying

I tried to tell you through others
They could listen to your failures
They could easily agree

moving through mouths
instantly removing admiration
Leaving the stench of doubt
Our slow and painful dissipation


No one can HEAR any more


Inside my heart lies every answer
Inside yours the same
But each too busy to listen
too steeped in pride to change

And you might say to yourself "What sad souls"
Beware that is a ready sign
the soul you judge is yours

Self Hate

The threat must stop
Do nothing
never react
inside
inside
inside
paint all the walls

Look outside
See those
chipped
broken
worthless
No one would ever
Know
What lurks behind

Never sit; Kill those roses
DO DO DO
hide the roof
hide the porch
Never revel to the door

Cover it with a sheet
Blank
All is white
but never deep as snow

Bandage

I should be Ok
I should let go of the past
Accept the future
Try more
Love Harder
While not forgetting myself
Not forgetting that love is Not an origin of mine
Not forgetting I have a place
That I am
a Daughter
a Leader
a Movement
a Sinner
a Redemption
Remebering
everything will heal
in the cover

In my way

So much here
nothing there
no
thing
.
All drips down
down
dow
do
So bad we want to feel
we go through days and nights
alone
touching nothing in the light
You could be yours
I was mine
Now in the mess of ours
Disfunction is all
Dissonance
I drink it all in
We

Your side

I'm always on your side
Simply you fight against yourself
There are things that only you can do
you have to walk all by yourself
But I will always walk by your side

Nothing left

I like classical music
I like night baseball

A Draw

In the palm of my hands
I hold your beating heart
You gave it to me yesterday
Wrapped up in your lips
Today growing more and more unsure
Holding your own hand now with head
I tried to give it back
Everyday since then
but if I let go
I'll let myself slip
through my fingers instead

While eating breakfast

Simple to touch
easy to break
its only an act
to being brave
you see the tip of ice berg
but the rest is underneath


my legs are too weak
my feet too small
I'm awkward
So I don't stand up
to anything


There's so much in my mind
I want to do
thought turns apathy
and apathy justified
Then there is nothing inside


I'd like to love
BUT
No one will understand
and your the first to tell me
that no one can

The truth

Facebook says I have almost 400 friends. I started to look at the profiles of people I know. Most older people have around this number most younger people had around 200. In reality I think that we are really all very disconnected and lonely. Never is a real connection made. I know i can look at my friends pages and feel as though I have a connection and maybe I did once. The reality is that most people on my facebook I once had a connection with. Some people I used to live, eat, laugh, and cry with but now they are just a number to make me feel better. There was a study I read about and it said that people who are naturally out going in real life get depressed after making a virtual network connection. I am one of these people. Some take virtual network sites very seriously others do not. I want to try to make these friends and numbers mean less and less to me and start to make meaningful real relationships.

rain rain

Why should we hold back?

Is it really not the time

Is it really just the place?

Is it me?

You say that a breeze will come

And take all these obstacles away

Will it take this ache?

That deep seated pain

Down way deep

Hidden inside

Just sitting and sitting

Leave

I went away
flew out onto golden sun
there was that thing.
It stirred me inside out
It was because of it,
I had to go find it
I had to know for sure
All the nights before it came
I slept in a dead sleep
Now, ever since it came,
And left I cannot find rest.
It was soft; sweet to the taste but, invisible
I felt I could sit, enjoy the many subtleties
but soon as it had came; it left.
And leaving me was my contentment
In its place constant state of want.
Need so plain, I'm frightened to know
I had only presently, become aware of it
Aware that, the need, was always there.
There is nothing that I love here anymore
So I left.

Some band names

The little fat ears..... that was what my mentee called the teacher overseers ears. The teacher said it would be a great band name.
pop leg =)= that name makes me feel both.

:( how i feel today......

Ah! can it be
We have lived our lives in a land of dreams!
How sad it seems.

Morning Conversations

Mom: What do you want to drink?
Me: I don't know.
Mom: Well there's cranberry juice, orange juice, walleberry...
Me: What's walleberry juice?
Mom: It's not real.
Me: I'd like walleberry juice.
Mom: Ok.

So she hands me a cup of walleberry juice and it had walleberry's at the bottom of my cup.

Unispired and Overwhelmed

what if one day your sorry
Everyone wants you to conform
to be safe rather than sorry
never doing anything in life
You slowly realize that these bars
no longer give you any comfort
that by conforming you see past them
but they still are keeping you here
It's OK to give up everything for fear
But not for opportunity
It's alright to complain,be apathetic and utterly dissatisfied
as long as you stay where you are

Would you rather be unsure?

Or all alone?

Get ahead but not too ahead
learn some things
but never become independent
Screwing up
as long as you don't do it too often
Achieving
as long as you don't do it too often
The power to control what you think should be yours
but you should always answer to society
to the minority
To the people you worked harder than to get ahead
they should always be on your back
on your legs
you should let them slow you down
for fear of looking selfish, uncultured, or just plain smart
Never recognize or be aware of the fact that you might be getting ahead
because that is not nice

So lets spin the wheels on and make opportunities for our children
so we can tell them not to take them

The cage

I think it's foot steps I hear
I get so afraid I run to the stairs
looking out the window
but never find anyone there

I'm all by myself always alone
I draw all the curtains
turn off the lights
why would any one think
come to the door

We sit in our seats
keep our ideas in order
arranged nice and neat
Never let them come forward
because we fear our defeat

I wonder about the ideas
behind the beautiful things
What thoughts drive one to murder
and others that push us to love

But we'll sit in the rooms of our minds
with our warm and comfort things
we'll marvel how we got so lazy
at opportunities we fail to see

I think I'd like to get out of myself
I think I want others to know
I know my inhibitors
I know how I hold back myself
I feel mistakes are certain
and to never act upon it
would be more then regret