let go and jump in

So I have realized a lot of things this past month. I went on this crazy trip looking for myself thinking i guess that I would find this person that made sense and that was uncomplicated and i would find this notch and fall right into it. I found that I fight life. I'm not like you. I don't get a kick out of staring at racks of clothes, or marriage or being comfortable. I hate eating and sleeping it takes up too much time. I know that this wont make a lot of sense to the average human that reads this and i'm not looking for it too. Know that i will disappoint you, you'll be sad and i won't have words for you and you will have many problems that i won't have any solutions for. Because to me all your problems are simple. They're simple when your not fighting life like i do. I love Jesus but i hate washing my hair and thinking about health care or what i could possibly even think of eating at the drive through window. The problem is not that living with my parents or not knowing what to say or working the problem is that i want to be free. I want to live with out food shopping or owning a car or sleeping eight hours every night. Things feel like weights but people want to be heavier. I want to be free I don't want a kitchen or a lawn or a tv. I want knowledge, age, experience things that you can't take away from someone, things you can't buy. The booze disappear and people can steal your joy if you let them but what you learn what is suspended inside your heart can never be taken. I want to be something that no one can take i want to give you me but in order to do that you have to give you. But most people think that you can just buy a person like an object they forget that that person is after the same things you are. So stop and ask why sometimes instead of how maybe you'll get the answers aand at best you'll get new ones at least. I get so tired of just being just milking time or trying to make myself like something. I want to sleep on mountains and listen to different languages and be in water for the sake of water not for the sake of being clean. I want to feel hunger and weariness. I want to look into peoples eyes and not just hear them talking but actually hear what beats their heart. I want to see what God sees. I want Him to speak to me so clearly that i can tell from every tone in His voice. I'm frustrated because everyone just wants to be comfortable but i just want to be on an adventure doing things that i was made for. I want it to be difficult because those are some of the best adventures and i want it to be with be that i enjoy and that enjoy me. Most of all though I want Him I want Him to consume me i want to not have to try everything to know if its really Him. I want Him to know and have and keep every part that i am and that I could be. So the goal for this blog besides sleeping on the beach is to get through today and to get through every day after that but, the problem is i want more. I want to not just get through them i want to live them and not have sleeping dreams as my redemption.