Overhelmed

I can feel it coming in closer. That stifling smell of air reminds me that things change. They come at you slowly ever so slow until you are caught, surrounded. The worst is to get smothered. I have a fear of people people always try to change the way you think into the way they think so then they can love you. These people always make me feel as if i am choking. But change is not a bad thing. Change is needed. Without change one would die. That is why i can endure these few people but never have the strength to try and love them back. Its not the change or other peoples opinions that i fear. Its the anxiety that I hate. I'd rather sit outside in the cold rain then a warm house full of things. If it were a bare house I would have no arguments but the things, possession, stuff are the tools in which my anxiety springs from. I find myself pacing back and fourth trying to determine what to do what to eat what to use inside the house. Things things THINGS! But inside an empty house or a barren field all one is left with is what ever is the clothes on your back a book maybe and always your thoughts. Clutter always leaves me uneasy because in its mist is a treasure chest of unanswered letters piles of laundry and important messages by phone or email. I want it to be unimportant but the truth be told some of it is very important. Houses breed responsibility and for me that breeds stress.