Some day I'll know

So I have to clean everything it all must be out.
All of a sudden in the mist of the rummaging of what should stay and what should go I find this strange connection between the present and some thing that is lost forever.
I found a pile of letters. One was from my old teacher but, now he's dead. It struck me like a message from the grave. I've only known a few people who have died and they have all always struck me a certain way. Its like they are the only people I don't think on often but can always remember clearly. Almost as if we spoke yesterday. Looking at the rest of the letters I wondered who was still alive. I wondered what I would say to them now if they were completely different or if a fragment of who I know is still there. That brings me to a second point of humanity that I can't ever understand and when I think about it I either get confused or sad. How you can know someone for so long share so much with them then slowly stop talking, stop knowing them. Then its almost as if as soon as you turn your back they are someone else. There hair is different, they are taller, their clothes completely different. Everything you once knew is gone but, where are THEY? Are they who they are now or where they who you knew or where they always there its just your perception was hiding their true self? What will happened when you stay with someone for your whole life? Do you change together or does one of you change to the other. Are things supposed to change by time not by decisions? Is that why we fight so much we are not supposed to change but time is supposed to change all? Or is life it's self supposed to change you? Or are you always there its just that situations bring you out?
What makes me sad is that the closeness is gone.
The saddest part is when it abruptly stops and no one says why or how.
Its like a senseless act we all play into; could we stop this if we wanted?

Dreams

I keep on dreaming about real life
Last night I was being chased on a train
Your family was trying to kill me
It was all so beautifully framed
I did not mind running for my life

A couple nights ago
I was driving
In the middle of my college campus
You told me you had problems
Getting inside
I never was so decisive
Kicking you out of my car

I might be taking a test
Or running past marathon runners
Last night it was strangers
nights ago it was reality meshed

Joy

I have walked through a long dark tunnel
BUT now I am surprised by this joy

I have made it from the depths to come back to the surface
treading on to where Subtlety lay

Through the thicket of my confusion
I take steps in the light

and my heart cannot help but to leap

I can not get out of my mind that one step closer is a step closer to home
One piece of ground not given is a step to never be retraced

I don't know

I was sitting under a tree
It was beautiful
all dressed in light
I was thinking
THEN suddenly it hit me
That I have been mulling over this idea
for two weeks
I have no idea who I am....BUT
I don't care.
Its started with Bren looking at me
and me saying(I got uncomfortable,
I have no answers I'm too preoccupied
with this pointless search) to Bren
"Are you trying to figure out what I am?"
He replied "No I'm just enjoying looking."
People try to put me somewhere and I let them
But I'm not This or That
I don't know Who I am
But I'm ok with that.

Day 5

Day four ended with going to a burrito place and then going back to Jeremiah's apartment to play go fish with Jeremiah's married friends Daniel and Tess. Jeremiah and I rode his scooter to and fro the burrito place which was quite impressive considering we were still traveling at the rate that it would have gone if it were solely Jer riding. He seemed quite pleasantly surprised at this fact and mentioned it a number of times that night.

Today on Day 5 Jeremiah got up very very early to go to work. Today was a some what epiphany type day for Jeremiah. It was the day that some us have to all go through at some point. The day when you discover You are Weird. It was somewhat funny to watch. Jer and I were at a pizza shop having lunch. I had told him numerous times before that he was weird but today he finally saw it himself. we talked about how normal people are content with boring or mediocar lives. It seems sad to those on the other side but really all the normal people don''t think they are missing out on anything. I think it's preference. Jer said he wished he was more normal because then he could get more done but I don't know if he would. It just seems like a trade of what you do some people spend their lives doing typical things at typical times and doing them the typical way. Others cannot be this way. So long for now....

Day 4

Hello All to caught up on day 3 and cover part of day 4.

So day 3 Jer went off to work pulling a double. Andy and I went to the Oakland cemetery. Then he bribed me with Cuban fruit to go food shopping. After that Jer came home and then took a nap. Then we went for a bike ride around five points. He made me get a souvenir at Rags-o-rama. It was an Asian scarf. Then we two bike to Tara's for mushroom burgers. After that we met up with his friend Ryan, who happened to go to the same Bible college as Jeremiah. I half listen to them discuss Religion and then Ryan discussed music with Andy. The night was fun and long. Jer disappeared for awhile talking to Tara about women because he left his wallet and cell phone in her car.

Day 4 was all about Tilt so far.....I woke up very late and had to take the bus to over where Paul works get off and bike a small distant to Jeremiah's place of employment called Tilt. I met James His manager, Shawn one of his co-workers, and Rich the scheme horse hand across the street. It was a slightly eventful morning/afternoon. We also met up with Catherine the art gallery intern. We looked at the gallery showing all on Danger. It was interesting because it featured art work from people all across the word but mostly the 50 states. After, work Jeremiah and I stood and talked about different life things over a world class cappuccino that he concocted then we decided to get going So here I am Jer is once again taking a nap. Ok good bye. for now.

Day 2

So today Jeremiah got up washed. He had breakfast with his friends and me. It was at a little joint in Atlanta called Rise and Dine. He had a small breakfast sandwich one of his friends gave him some potatoes before he left. He then took his other friends car and drove it home then scooted off to work. He worked until five then went to he farmer's market in Dekalb he seemed to enjoy it quite a bit. It was a huge grocery store that had organic food for very very low affordable prices. Apparently most of the workers are refugees from different countries. I picked up that it was because of the quality and price of the food. He picked up groceries for the week from the farmer's market. Then we joined one of his friends we had to leave at the coffee joint of his employment. We received some of the best iced tea I've had maybe ever and he shot him with a toy gun. We then got dropped off back at his apartment and he unloaded about some thoughts on life. This conversation was much of the continuation of one we had started on Sunday.

So while Jeremiah was at work I had time to spend with his room mate and friend Andy. This is some information I gathered about Andy and just information in general about social situations in young Jeremiah's life and about the city of Atlanta. Thomas Andy Deloche group up all of his life in Georgia. He had a strong Christian up bringing but has his doubt now about the religion and different enforced beliefs of what he described as an oppressive up bringing. He has been to Europe and different but has a strong love for Atlanta. Currently he is enrolled at Georgia State as a film major and works at a local coffee shop. He likes the movie Home Alone and being nosey.

What I gathered from him on Jeremiah's life is that Jeremiah is a gentleman when is comes to the ladies and is very conservative about them. Also He informed me on the whereabouts of our subject before he took off to Europe winter 08. Jeremiah and Andy met through a mutual friend and room mate named Troy. Jeremiah stayed with Andy and Troy before he left for Europe then their friendship grew when Jeremiah came back and started to stay with just Andy.

Another friend I've gotten to know over the past couple of days that Jeremiah hangs out with extensively is a girl named Tara. She likes close by to Jeremiah and Andy and used to be neighbors to both of them but now moved to around the corner. She did not give much information on Jeremiah but seems to get along well with him. She is enrolled in school in Atlanta. She likes Africa, free trade products and vegetables.

The night is young he took a nap and we are about to go to Tara's house to watch a movie. More to come later......

A Week in the Life of

I am conducting a observation for the next seven days of the life and times of Jeremiah. He Lives in Atlanta. This morning the very first voice he heard was mine(I called him). Then he went to breakfast with most of his family. Returned home started his laundry got on the computer and then had a short bathroom break. Currently he is flipping through a large art magazine. It is about 1pm. I will record later when more develops.

Thoughts

People were born
people got married that day
They barely knew each other
They barely knew their own face
Helpless and real
Passing dances alone to join the group
and you were so afraid of the dark
the deep black all around
The sounds in your ear that you never heard
so you held hands
trying to pin point the where and when below
Learning you are the only one to lose
when you fight against the rhythm of breath
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
What hit me the other day was the pain and
beauty of life. When you start to think about
the way life is it can either depress you or
make you really happy. There are constantly
tiny explosions of joy and sorrow that pass through
us like some sort of river but they are all meant to
happen. The living and the Dieing shapes us changes
us and either we get more sad or more joyful.
It is strange this dance we follow called living.
So don't be shy, or scared just follow the beats.

Life

I have realized today that Life sucks
Its hard and even if you do the right thing
you don't get rewarded
BUT
the Harder and Harder you try
the more difficult things Should be
BECAUSE
You are stepping out
and new things are always hard
I thought life was fair
But its not
Its just life it is what You make it
It is how You live it
and where you Get the strength to live it

We are miracles

sometimes WE miss it.
We have this small part of the brain
Its as small as an almond
its called the hypothalamus
It is only made up of a few Nuclei
that preform functions as diverse
as the nervous system to the aid of hormones
Sometimes it can make us want food
make us hot
help us remember
or make our hearts beat a little faster
There whether we know it or not
we have tiny miracles happening all around us.

The cost of a death grip

I was wrong about a lot. I was wrong about too much. Yes, you should be honest but sometimes you should shut your mouth because you’re not always right. I used to feel so stifled. I used to think I felt this way because other people kept me down but the truth is that I don’t know so much as I thought I didn’t. The more and more I grow the smaller and smaller I get in the big picture of things. Maybe it’s not that I never had anything to say but maybe its because I am a nobody. Maybe I got love all wrong so far I know that I’ve screwed so many relationships up by giving too much or not enough or giving the wrong thing. I know nothing of you and I have come to realize I know very little of myself. This is what I have discovered painfully sitting down and examining myself: I am always right. These are the consequences of living up to this: I can never let anyone know me fully, I can Feel safe, I can be in control, I make myself feel intelligent, I can never examine myself truthfully, I cannot examine the world around me truthfully, I constantly view the world incomplete, I must reject others and their view points, I have to know everything faster than anyone else, I can’t be human.
So it comes down to this either I let this go or I constantly let it choke me, thwart me and stun my growth. It’s so hard to talk about it but I have to talk about it to anyone who still cares. If I do talk about it most people know enough to except they do not know everything and it might be a non issue so hard to conceive in their minds what it’s like to be This. I don’t want to talk about because it makes me wrong and at all costs I am right (which I’ve experienced to be a very high price). And lastly I’m scared because I put myself in a very venerable position to whoever I talk to about this.
It should be someone that has put up with me this far not someone that I don’t know very well so I don’t know if this will over whelm/annoy them. I need to change and finally I want to. I have also learned (the hard way) that most strangers you dump on do not view the trash as their treasure.
I have learned the hard way paying a dear price all along the way. I regret the missed friendships, I regret the alienations of others, I regret the unnecessary loneliness and isolation, the hurt, the loss of love, and loss of LIVING. I want to be alive but it cost so much, but what I never grasped until now was that being half alive cost so much more.

Why hearts get lonely

"Men have always fought their misery with dreams. Although dreams were once powerful, they have been made puerile by movies, radio, and newspapers. Among many betrayals, this one is the worst."

We all want. Want to believe in something but constantly we are told that these desires for something better is no good or futile. We are told to simply stop. We are feed the lies that nothing will change, nothing should change, and you are only one person and can do nothing. We are taught to be lazy and to only live when it is appropriate to live. It's strange to be different to go against culture to believe in something and to not only believe but give a reason for our actions in that belief. Constantly, we are not allowed to think of good reasons for why we do things. We are merely allowed to do to produce to put fourth and to forget why we even began to do at all. Therefore we thwart all conviction with shallow reasoning and logic.

We all should be willing and ready to give a reason to anyone who asks about the Hope we have because we should have thought about these reasons long before we carelessly went along and followed others.

The end.

It all comes down to the end of the wire
we all feel sad
we all get wore and tired
everyone wants to be secure
everyone needs to know something
because all these words sounds like
nothing at all
All our comfort is striped
your lungs are about to burst
the only sound is of them searching for air
we were as beautiful as a movie
and as happy as on tv
but i can't see that now
see the line on the ground
just make it across

I get tired

I get so tired of thinking thinking thinking thinking. One of my biggest weaknesses is my laziness. I always thought if you were smart enough everything would be easy and maybe its true because even though people talk about my intelligence i don't see it. The more and more I learn the more questions i have, hard questions too, maybe with no answers? I don't think that intelligence can help me now, i don't think that i could help me, maybe there is no help :) maybe were not supposed to know everything but i don't want to say that just because its hard to know anything of any real importance. The answers don't just come and maybe when they do they aren't simple. I don't like how to be a Christian every thing is supposed to be simple and uncovered maybe I'm wrong, maybe we're all wrong. I mean God can't be that easy. I just feel like He's so hidden sometimes, then other times its like He's right there and the funny thing is that most times i can't stand other Christians because they boil everything down to nothing but a nice show. I want more then that, i want reality even if its painful and course, in fact if it is it'll be better.

The Tragedy

This really breaks my heart
it breaks my heart because sometimes this is all people can see of God
Because of me. Us. The Christians.

This is some lyrics from a new song called Laughing With coming out from Regina Specktor this June that really hit me.

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party while listening to a good God-themed joke or
Or when the crazies say he hates us and they get so red in the head you think that they're about to choke

God can be funny
When told he'll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie
Who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus

God can be so hilarious

These lines cut me so deep because I know Him and He is Not this. The song goes through different scenarios that cause people to go looking for God and sometimes all they find is Us not Him or like description this song gives, of the poor excuse of Him that We Have Bought into. Forgive me. Show me more of the REAL You. Help people to see only who You Are.

Don't be shy!

......just let your feelings roll on by
Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there
Just lift your head, and let your feelings out instead
And don't be shy, just let your feeling roll on by
On by

You know love is better than a song
Love is where all of us belong
So don't be shy just let your feelings roll on by
Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there
You're there

Don't be shy just let your feelings roll on by
Don't wear fear or nobody will know you're there
Just lift your head, and let your feelings out instead
And don't be shy, just let your feeling roll on by

tetris

Is an addiction. So just play it ok? That should convince you. period. http://www.freetetris.org/

Twin

If I had a twin who went to my school, I would make them go to my classes on days when i was tired. In fact I would probably do the same thing for work. It all comes down to sleep really. I would use my twin willingly to get more sleep. I hate being tired and caffeine doesn't give you energy it just keeps you from replenishing it, in sleep that is. This is all based on the hope that we would be identical and that they are an insomniac.

Overhelmed

I can feel it coming in closer. That stifling smell of air reminds me that things change. They come at you slowly ever so slow until you are caught, surrounded. The worst is to get smothered. I have a fear of people people always try to change the way you think into the way they think so then they can love you. These people always make me feel as if i am choking. But change is not a bad thing. Change is needed. Without change one would die. That is why i can endure these few people but never have the strength to try and love them back. Its not the change or other peoples opinions that i fear. Its the anxiety that I hate. I'd rather sit outside in the cold rain then a warm house full of things. If it were a bare house I would have no arguments but the things, possession, stuff are the tools in which my anxiety springs from. I find myself pacing back and fourth trying to determine what to do what to eat what to use inside the house. Things things THINGS! But inside an empty house or a barren field all one is left with is what ever is the clothes on your back a book maybe and always your thoughts. Clutter always leaves me uneasy because in its mist is a treasure chest of unanswered letters piles of laundry and important messages by phone or email. I want it to be unimportant but the truth be told some of it is very important. Houses breed responsibility and for me that breeds stress.

Peace like a river

I was just thinking about that song "when peace like a river". The more I got to thinking the more and more clear it came to me that peace is like a river; its like the water. Life is like the flow of the river but it is not the river itself sometimes the flow is so fast it feels like your in the mist of a rapid other times its so slow you might even see some algae growing around its banks. The key is that it is constantly heading toward its source. Even when it seems like its not moving at all it is getting to where its supposed to be. I feel like that right now, going so slow, like i'm running through jello. I want to be out there doing things changing the world seeing God move! Instead He has me here being silent and learning how to listen for His voice against my rushing feet. I wish my heart would rush to be still at His feet instead of constantly to the excitement of adventure. I thrive on moving and going and learning but i have been learning the value of staying put. Its hard but not as hard as going against God.

hyperventilation

Do you ever feel like your all alone?
One tiny cell in the universe?
You once were something
you once were apart of something
yet now your not
A year a month One day one night
one minute a second goes by
then everything changes
everything but you
all you are is a solid rock
scare to death that when it changes
you won't even know what to do with yourself
most people feel like cold shattered shells
you don't want that but you don't want you
You want to be real you want to feel deeply
but all you feel is others reaching for themselves
You want the new, a hunger for the exciting
to be over taken with love, cut with the sobering
stunned with beauty, wounded by pain
and maybe what your so afraid of has already happened
maybe your just scared this is real

Even the stars hide away

"But I like the inconveniences."
"We don't" said the Controller. "We prefer to do things comfortably."
"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
This part of A Brave New World got me thinking about a past posting. This is what I wanted to say but I was too scared to. I didn't want to say that I wanted to be uncomfortable because I thought that life wouldn't be as good. Its what I've been being feed all my life that Good Life=comfort. But its not true, so don't buy into it. Life is not pain but comfort is not beauty. I hardly grasp it myself. I guess its like when Gene Kelly yells "I gotta dance" in the last dance in Singing in the Rain It makes it so much more meaningful that he was silent in the dance number before hand. Maybe life wouldn't be as full with out pain not that it is our goal to be in pain or conflict but sometimes the contrast makes the enjoyable things in life so much more.

Unlocking

My college has lockers that line the bottom floor of most of the buildings on campus. They are a faded vintage orange giving the buildings a 1960s school feel. A lot of things are older in the college but these scream prehistoric. My bag weighs at least 30 pounds no joke there. Most days I wish the bottom of my bath tub wasn't so scary i'd soak my aching shoulders and neck. I thought that i would just have to get a post school message at the end of every semester or at least till i find some wheels where i can store my brick books when i didn't need them. Until one fateful day a couple of weeks ago my friend at church was telling me that i could get a locker. I was nervous. I had never worked with the elderly but i encouraged my self with my first car that was as old as i am that i drove. I went to the first locker no go I went through two lockers and numerous combinations until today. As always at the end of another failed try it had been my tradition(yes tradition because this was a tri-weekly occurrence) to bang something on the locker either a fist or foot even sometimes the head out of desperation. Then my locker savior happened to be walking by at that very moment. I gave him a skeptical agreement to let him have his hand at it even though i had witnessed this numerous times before. He patiently turned the dark dial and got into the locker first try. I was dumb founded I seriously thought that he used magic until I made him stay so he could watch me open it; My second time trying it that is.The moral of the story is when you meet with a brick wall its ok to bang your head on it eventually the right person will come along and show you the door you keep missing.

What do we need

I took a test to see how depressed i was in my Psychology book, the results found were that I was very much so. It sort of took me off guard, I mean I don't feel depressed. The results got me to thinking, maybe depression can be a state of mind. Not just a feeling but it can affect the way that you view the world around you. Maybe I look at things sadly. I often caught myself throwing the word "sad" around like an adjective for every not so good situation that people bring to my attention. Like if someone told me they were cooking and burnt the main course my reaction would be "awww sad". I notice that naturally I gravitate towards dark colors,quietness, activities that are better enjoyed alone, and reading. Its not that I feel sad its that I think sad. I mean I'm happy i'm going to school and that I know what I'm going for. I'm happy to see old friends again and caught up on their lives or to be able to keep in touch with new ones on new adventures. I have a job (finally!) and it is amazing. God has become more real to me, I mean what can i say life is good but maybe its my outlook needs to change.

Oh its on

We just got my favorite soy ice cream. I want to just eat it all up. Its great with organic cheerios and if you put old raisins in it it taste like gummy bears. So I'm trying to practice that self control stuff i'm always talking about and not eating most of the quart tonight. Schools a run around works ruff....I think i'm living again.

So this is the new year

I have been thinking about something since the wedding. It spurred from the whole everyone is with someone thing that seems to be going on. I realized that most people live inside of these lonely universes and that the loneliness only increases with the wealth of technology. People don't need other people because they have people when they want them via cell phones and computers and can put people away when they don't feel like dealing with them. But our lives I feel are so empty. We don't know when we need others so take them who ever they are. If they're annoying then take them and love them because that's what makes life. One person can make our universe so much more meaningful. It has really been awakening inside of me after having such a hard year of people my heart was so callous. But now I realize that my life is not only for others but that i need those people too and i need to fight my laziness or tiredness for a chance at love or learning about other minds that I have such a short time with. So I love you humanity and I pray to stop assuming what and who you are and to look at each person with fresh eyes not calculating what they will say. I do that for me too I won't plan conversations anymore I'll just plan on talking.