Twin

If I had a twin who went to my school, I would make them go to my classes on days when i was tired. In fact I would probably do the same thing for work. It all comes down to sleep really. I would use my twin willingly to get more sleep. I hate being tired and caffeine doesn't give you energy it just keeps you from replenishing it, in sleep that is. This is all based on the hope that we would be identical and that they are an insomniac.

Overhelmed

I can feel it coming in closer. That stifling smell of air reminds me that things change. They come at you slowly ever so slow until you are caught, surrounded. The worst is to get smothered. I have a fear of people people always try to change the way you think into the way they think so then they can love you. These people always make me feel as if i am choking. But change is not a bad thing. Change is needed. Without change one would die. That is why i can endure these few people but never have the strength to try and love them back. Its not the change or other peoples opinions that i fear. Its the anxiety that I hate. I'd rather sit outside in the cold rain then a warm house full of things. If it were a bare house I would have no arguments but the things, possession, stuff are the tools in which my anxiety springs from. I find myself pacing back and fourth trying to determine what to do what to eat what to use inside the house. Things things THINGS! But inside an empty house or a barren field all one is left with is what ever is the clothes on your back a book maybe and always your thoughts. Clutter always leaves me uneasy because in its mist is a treasure chest of unanswered letters piles of laundry and important messages by phone or email. I want it to be unimportant but the truth be told some of it is very important. Houses breed responsibility and for me that breeds stress.

Peace like a river

I was just thinking about that song "when peace like a river". The more I got to thinking the more and more clear it came to me that peace is like a river; its like the water. Life is like the flow of the river but it is not the river itself sometimes the flow is so fast it feels like your in the mist of a rapid other times its so slow you might even see some algae growing around its banks. The key is that it is constantly heading toward its source. Even when it seems like its not moving at all it is getting to where its supposed to be. I feel like that right now, going so slow, like i'm running through jello. I want to be out there doing things changing the world seeing God move! Instead He has me here being silent and learning how to listen for His voice against my rushing feet. I wish my heart would rush to be still at His feet instead of constantly to the excitement of adventure. I thrive on moving and going and learning but i have been learning the value of staying put. Its hard but not as hard as going against God.

hyperventilation

Do you ever feel like your all alone?
One tiny cell in the universe?
You once were something
you once were apart of something
yet now your not
A year a month One day one night
one minute a second goes by
then everything changes
everything but you
all you are is a solid rock
scare to death that when it changes
you won't even know what to do with yourself
most people feel like cold shattered shells
you don't want that but you don't want you
You want to be real you want to feel deeply
but all you feel is others reaching for themselves
You want the new, a hunger for the exciting
to be over taken with love, cut with the sobering
stunned with beauty, wounded by pain
and maybe what your so afraid of has already happened
maybe your just scared this is real

Even the stars hide away

"But I like the inconveniences."
"We don't" said the Controller. "We prefer to do things comfortably."
"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
This part of A Brave New World got me thinking about a past posting. This is what I wanted to say but I was too scared to. I didn't want to say that I wanted to be uncomfortable because I thought that life wouldn't be as good. Its what I've been being feed all my life that Good Life=comfort. But its not true, so don't buy into it. Life is not pain but comfort is not beauty. I hardly grasp it myself. I guess its like when Gene Kelly yells "I gotta dance" in the last dance in Singing in the Rain It makes it so much more meaningful that he was silent in the dance number before hand. Maybe life wouldn't be as full with out pain not that it is our goal to be in pain or conflict but sometimes the contrast makes the enjoyable things in life so much more.

Unlocking

My college has lockers that line the bottom floor of most of the buildings on campus. They are a faded vintage orange giving the buildings a 1960s school feel. A lot of things are older in the college but these scream prehistoric. My bag weighs at least 30 pounds no joke there. Most days I wish the bottom of my bath tub wasn't so scary i'd soak my aching shoulders and neck. I thought that i would just have to get a post school message at the end of every semester or at least till i find some wheels where i can store my brick books when i didn't need them. Until one fateful day a couple of weeks ago my friend at church was telling me that i could get a locker. I was nervous. I had never worked with the elderly but i encouraged my self with my first car that was as old as i am that i drove. I went to the first locker no go I went through two lockers and numerous combinations until today. As always at the end of another failed try it had been my tradition(yes tradition because this was a tri-weekly occurrence) to bang something on the locker either a fist or foot even sometimes the head out of desperation. Then my locker savior happened to be walking by at that very moment. I gave him a skeptical agreement to let him have his hand at it even though i had witnessed this numerous times before. He patiently turned the dark dial and got into the locker first try. I was dumb founded I seriously thought that he used magic until I made him stay so he could watch me open it; My second time trying it that is.The moral of the story is when you meet with a brick wall its ok to bang your head on it eventually the right person will come along and show you the door you keep missing.

What do we need

I took a test to see how depressed i was in my Psychology book, the results found were that I was very much so. It sort of took me off guard, I mean I don't feel depressed. The results got me to thinking, maybe depression can be a state of mind. Not just a feeling but it can affect the way that you view the world around you. Maybe I look at things sadly. I often caught myself throwing the word "sad" around like an adjective for every not so good situation that people bring to my attention. Like if someone told me they were cooking and burnt the main course my reaction would be "awww sad". I notice that naturally I gravitate towards dark colors,quietness, activities that are better enjoyed alone, and reading. Its not that I feel sad its that I think sad. I mean I'm happy i'm going to school and that I know what I'm going for. I'm happy to see old friends again and caught up on their lives or to be able to keep in touch with new ones on new adventures. I have a job (finally!) and it is amazing. God has become more real to me, I mean what can i say life is good but maybe its my outlook needs to change.