The cost of a death grip

I was wrong about a lot. I was wrong about too much. Yes, you should be honest but sometimes you should shut your mouth because you’re not always right. I used to feel so stifled. I used to think I felt this way because other people kept me down but the truth is that I don’t know so much as I thought I didn’t. The more and more I grow the smaller and smaller I get in the big picture of things. Maybe it’s not that I never had anything to say but maybe its because I am a nobody. Maybe I got love all wrong so far I know that I’ve screwed so many relationships up by giving too much or not enough or giving the wrong thing. I know nothing of you and I have come to realize I know very little of myself. This is what I have discovered painfully sitting down and examining myself: I am always right. These are the consequences of living up to this: I can never let anyone know me fully, I can Feel safe, I can be in control, I make myself feel intelligent, I can never examine myself truthfully, I cannot examine the world around me truthfully, I constantly view the world incomplete, I must reject others and their view points, I have to know everything faster than anyone else, I can’t be human.
So it comes down to this either I let this go or I constantly let it choke me, thwart me and stun my growth. It’s so hard to talk about it but I have to talk about it to anyone who still cares. If I do talk about it most people know enough to except they do not know everything and it might be a non issue so hard to conceive in their minds what it’s like to be This. I don’t want to talk about because it makes me wrong and at all costs I am right (which I’ve experienced to be a very high price). And lastly I’m scared because I put myself in a very venerable position to whoever I talk to about this.
It should be someone that has put up with me this far not someone that I don’t know very well so I don’t know if this will over whelm/annoy them. I need to change and finally I want to. I have also learned (the hard way) that most strangers you dump on do not view the trash as their treasure.
I have learned the hard way paying a dear price all along the way. I regret the missed friendships, I regret the alienations of others, I regret the unnecessary loneliness and isolation, the hurt, the loss of love, and loss of LIVING. I want to be alive but it cost so much, but what I never grasped until now was that being half alive cost so much more.