To even the scores

Still so sick. I can feel it in my throat and my ears.
I think maybe its judgment or maybe its just wrong priorities. I know its both.
Being so unfocused helps you choose bad decisions. I remember sitting in Providence thinking to myself that I had to go. Feeling the inside of my ears scrape each other. In my mind I was saying five more minutes. Now I know I made the wrong choice.

I realize to get any sort of love you have to be what that other person perceives you as. I tried and realized that no one really loves you unless there is some sort of gain, something in return. I was so foolish. I thought that people did nice things for each other out of the kindness of there hearts but this is not so. Our poor excuse for love in human terms is always untrue and at best, weak.

Though, I still believe real love can be found. It does not emanate with the heart, in feelings, but with the mind in reason. Purposeful love is the only kind that can survive. The first sounds of true love resound with, the will. Purposing to stick things through and love no matter what can only come from a mindful decision. If it is based on feelings, love will die before those who first saw it born breathed their last breath. True Love, will out live eternity.

I knew

I thought I saw Love
Yes I could tell the face
I saw it pass me by

I thought I had Hope
Yes I held the sunrise
I would watch it grow dark


I thought I knew You
Yes I could touch inside
I never came too close

I Knew I felt something
Yes I then felt the cold
I let winter take my heart

Saving

I was just lying there. I felt so sick. I had to wait. Not long but it was hard to put up a front. My head is so stuffed up it's hard to think. I drifted off and started to imagine me and you.I start to think what things would be like if everything was ok. If everything was figured out. We were laughing walking near the shore(you don't like the beach). Your dog was there and we were chasing him. I was dancing around and it was nice and sunny. We were silly but most of all we were happy.

I told you not to come look for me until you fixed everything. Now I'm not sure if I'm strong enough, so I keep it all inside. I'll take that class in the winter because you won't be around. I think to myself that you won't do anything. You have no motivation. I'm not even enough to motivate you and that hurts. I wish I was enough to make you change, enough to make you remember. Your jobs do, I guess. So that is good right? I mess everything up because nothing matters to you. You only don't want to get yelled at but that isn't even enough to make you leave. It's never enough.

So now I know. I the answer and I know the question. I never thought I'd say it out loud. I always thought that you would come through. That you would call me up one day and ask to meet up. It would be a surprise. You'd take me to the beach you'd bring your dog and food that you had made. You'd lay out the blanket and everything would be there. I wouldn't have to go through the drive or the time there worried about anything. You would've taken care of it all. But you have no time to think any of this through, you are too busy surviving. You think different from me so you never would.

I thought the only problem was that you couldn't fall asleep but now I know better.

Noise

Everything you do screams at me
The way you look
The silence
I thought I was sincere
But my heart is blank
Everyone will find someone new
But I take it the hardest
I want no new me
My heart is a packed up room
boxes full of things
I'm scared to unpack

I promised myself I would do things right
I wouldn't be like what I came from
But I'm no less better
I'm in this
I have no answer
But need one.

You would never be honest
You would avoid
You would never explain
You would never be real

Never make a mistake
But mine won't be the same
Because I'll know.

Broken Wing

There was color every where
in the air I tracked the change
Underneath me flash after flash
Orange, Red, Yellow
Some green, some purple
Tall golden towers burst fourth
Tiny new lives were formed
In exchange
Slowly all that the world had worked for
during the summer
was dying
I watched the dance of coolness
float in like the sound
of a last trumpet call

As I stopped on a branch
just for resting
I had to move
this was all on my mind
Until
I heard another near the ground
It's soft voice cried out in pain

As I slowly flew to the ground
I saw what was causing the pain
the left wing was stuck in a
thorn bush

I came along side
closer to the beat in the chest
breaths were rapid
Slowly not to startle
I took hold of one of the big thorns
pinning the wing down
He let out a whimper of pain

It was a long process
I had to work late into the night
Finally the thorn broke
the wing freed

I stayed with him
until the first rays
of the new day broke the horizon
I was so close
I listened to the beat
underneath
inside of him
It startled me
This was the sound
of every door
opening
Of every inhale
Of every peal of laughter
Every tear that fell
from heavy hearts

There was red
It was every where
Red
spilled over
his pure white wing

I cried as a watched him
in the morning
he tried and tried
to fly
I had to help him
He ignored me
pretending there was no pain
he fluttered to the edge
of the tall steal faces
those comforting friends
Now
They looked coldly on all of this

I flew along him
He was upset
I wanted to help
But there was that beat
I knew he had it
I wanted to be close to it

I did not know
I had it
too

Distilled

You go one way
I'll go the other

Its the only way to
disappear

To separate from each
other

It was never about
a reaction
yet always involving
chemistry

Did they want to go?
Who knows but now
the heat is on

Sleepless
like rain drip dropping
on my window sill
lays that heavy little spot
This was not what I thought
Not what I want
I tried to do
Tried to be
I was not

I look
See Sea
C

Tiny
Smaller
Less and Less

I grab with both hands
I keep hold of both ends

I feel your heat
I touched your feet
We stayed on the ground
We stayed in seats
Swimming
in the rain
Little microscopic dots
Wet
on the corner
of your cheek

I finally let go
strength to stand

Lonely
away from

the home we form

When our hands aren't empty