Saving

I was just lying there. I felt so sick. I had to wait. Not long but it was hard to put up a front. My head is so stuffed up it's hard to think. I drifted off and started to imagine me and you.I start to think what things would be like if everything was ok. If everything was figured out. We were laughing walking near the shore(you don't like the beach). Your dog was there and we were chasing him. I was dancing around and it was nice and sunny. We were silly but most of all we were happy.

I told you not to come look for me until you fixed everything. Now I'm not sure if I'm strong enough, so I keep it all inside. I'll take that class in the winter because you won't be around. I think to myself that you won't do anything. You have no motivation. I'm not even enough to motivate you and that hurts. I wish I was enough to make you change, enough to make you remember. Your jobs do, I guess. So that is good right? I mess everything up because nothing matters to you. You only don't want to get yelled at but that isn't even enough to make you leave. It's never enough.

So now I know. I the answer and I know the question. I never thought I'd say it out loud. I always thought that you would come through. That you would call me up one day and ask to meet up. It would be a surprise. You'd take me to the beach you'd bring your dog and food that you had made. You'd lay out the blanket and everything would be there. I wouldn't have to go through the drive or the time there worried about anything. You would've taken care of it all. But you have no time to think any of this through, you are too busy surviving. You think different from me so you never would.

I thought the only problem was that you couldn't fall asleep but now I know better.