combustion

Every drop different
Like the breath of new life
Empty hidden meanings
ready to break

Dangerous looks from scuffing shoes
black lines all down the floor
Dam
ready to break

We can be no where
any where
somewhere
gone

Like a flash
you tired sleeves
dropping down lower and lower

All around everything is new
dead on the outside
living breathing stopping
laughing
choking
sighing
running

There is a forced smile
on the face of a girl
on the face of a boy

the girl changes into a broken plate
the boy into a rusted nail

Once they lived to see the sun rebirth
nothing can stop the madness
it depends on everything

Dream girl

I was The Perfect Piece
My perfect hair
my perfect teeth
eyes never saw underneath
O that ocean ever deep!

I Try to hold no blame
You were taught to think
every girl is every girl
essentially the same

Maybe side by side
I would a agree
Open your mind!
look at me!

Love

Everyone is in the mood.
I think about you so much these days.
I wonder if I'll find you.
I keep telling myself, telling the air, I will.
No matter what I will find you.
I found all the letters I wrote some hopeful others regretful.
I can't wait to meet you.
Or die with the idea of you in my heart.
I love love.
I love seeing it all around.
I love when people get married.
When babies are born.
Most of all I like when couples will plan stuff for the other person as a surprise.
I always think to myself someday I'll do that.
Someday it'll all make sense.
I hope this is not all way too crazy. I know you'll have both feet on the ground but I also hope there will be a strong romantic part of you that will understand all these crazy ideas in my head, and maybe, want to go along with them.
I imagine it.
It'll be like singing a song you only know part of the words to but then you find someone who only knows the other parts that you don't know. You'll pick up where I leave off.
You don't know me at all
but someday will you know me the best anyone ever has.
I sit here like a lonely tea cup.
I hope I don't scare you too much or try so much it smothers you.
I hope you understand my limitations and imperfections and can look past that to see the beauty that I feel is there. The beauty that is the best of me that I hope is real.
More than that I hope I am brave enough to do the same for you.
To try when I'm scare and to understand your gentleness.
For now I hold to you like the wind.

To even the scores

Still so sick. I can feel it in my throat and my ears.
I think maybe its judgment or maybe its just wrong priorities. I know its both.
Being so unfocused helps you choose bad decisions. I remember sitting in Providence thinking to myself that I had to go. Feeling the inside of my ears scrape each other. In my mind I was saying five more minutes. Now I know I made the wrong choice.

I realize to get any sort of love you have to be what that other person perceives you as. I tried and realized that no one really loves you unless there is some sort of gain, something in return. I was so foolish. I thought that people did nice things for each other out of the kindness of there hearts but this is not so. Our poor excuse for love in human terms is always untrue and at best, weak.

Though, I still believe real love can be found. It does not emanate with the heart, in feelings, but with the mind in reason. Purposeful love is the only kind that can survive. The first sounds of true love resound with, the will. Purposing to stick things through and love no matter what can only come from a mindful decision. If it is based on feelings, love will die before those who first saw it born breathed their last breath. True Love, will out live eternity.

I knew

I thought I saw Love
Yes I could tell the face
I saw it pass me by

I thought I had Hope
Yes I held the sunrise
I would watch it grow dark


I thought I knew You
Yes I could touch inside
I never came too close

I Knew I felt something
Yes I then felt the cold
I let winter take my heart

Saving

I was just lying there. I felt so sick. I had to wait. Not long but it was hard to put up a front. My head is so stuffed up it's hard to think. I drifted off and started to imagine me and you.I start to think what things would be like if everything was ok. If everything was figured out. We were laughing walking near the shore(you don't like the beach). Your dog was there and we were chasing him. I was dancing around and it was nice and sunny. We were silly but most of all we were happy.

I told you not to come look for me until you fixed everything. Now I'm not sure if I'm strong enough, so I keep it all inside. I'll take that class in the winter because you won't be around. I think to myself that you won't do anything. You have no motivation. I'm not even enough to motivate you and that hurts. I wish I was enough to make you change, enough to make you remember. Your jobs do, I guess. So that is good right? I mess everything up because nothing matters to you. You only don't want to get yelled at but that isn't even enough to make you leave. It's never enough.

So now I know. I the answer and I know the question. I never thought I'd say it out loud. I always thought that you would come through. That you would call me up one day and ask to meet up. It would be a surprise. You'd take me to the beach you'd bring your dog and food that you had made. You'd lay out the blanket and everything would be there. I wouldn't have to go through the drive or the time there worried about anything. You would've taken care of it all. But you have no time to think any of this through, you are too busy surviving. You think different from me so you never would.

I thought the only problem was that you couldn't fall asleep but now I know better.

Noise

Everything you do screams at me
The way you look
The silence
I thought I was sincere
But my heart is blank
Everyone will find someone new
But I take it the hardest
I want no new me
My heart is a packed up room
boxes full of things
I'm scared to unpack

I promised myself I would do things right
I wouldn't be like what I came from
But I'm no less better
I'm in this
I have no answer
But need one.

You would never be honest
You would avoid
You would never explain
You would never be real

Never make a mistake
But mine won't be the same
Because I'll know.