Unlocking

My college has lockers that line the bottom floor of most of the buildings on campus. They are a faded vintage orange giving the buildings a 1960s school feel. A lot of things are older in the college but these scream prehistoric. My bag weighs at least 30 pounds no joke there. Most days I wish the bottom of my bath tub wasn't so scary i'd soak my aching shoulders and neck. I thought that i would just have to get a post school message at the end of every semester or at least till i find some wheels where i can store my brick books when i didn't need them. Until one fateful day a couple of weeks ago my friend at church was telling me that i could get a locker. I was nervous. I had never worked with the elderly but i encouraged my self with my first car that was as old as i am that i drove. I went to the first locker no go I went through two lockers and numerous combinations until today. As always at the end of another failed try it had been my tradition(yes tradition because this was a tri-weekly occurrence) to bang something on the locker either a fist or foot even sometimes the head out of desperation. Then my locker savior happened to be walking by at that very moment. I gave him a skeptical agreement to let him have his hand at it even though i had witnessed this numerous times before. He patiently turned the dark dial and got into the locker first try. I was dumb founded I seriously thought that he used magic until I made him stay so he could watch me open it; My second time trying it that is.The moral of the story is when you meet with a brick wall its ok to bang your head on it eventually the right person will come along and show you the door you keep missing.

What do we need

I took a test to see how depressed i was in my Psychology book, the results found were that I was very much so. It sort of took me off guard, I mean I don't feel depressed. The results got me to thinking, maybe depression can be a state of mind. Not just a feeling but it can affect the way that you view the world around you. Maybe I look at things sadly. I often caught myself throwing the word "sad" around like an adjective for every not so good situation that people bring to my attention. Like if someone told me they were cooking and burnt the main course my reaction would be "awww sad". I notice that naturally I gravitate towards dark colors,quietness, activities that are better enjoyed alone, and reading. Its not that I feel sad its that I think sad. I mean I'm happy i'm going to school and that I know what I'm going for. I'm happy to see old friends again and caught up on their lives or to be able to keep in touch with new ones on new adventures. I have a job (finally!) and it is amazing. God has become more real to me, I mean what can i say life is good but maybe its my outlook needs to change.

Oh its on

We just got my favorite soy ice cream. I want to just eat it all up. Its great with organic cheerios and if you put old raisins in it it taste like gummy bears. So I'm trying to practice that self control stuff i'm always talking about and not eating most of the quart tonight. Schools a run around works ruff....I think i'm living again.

So this is the new year

I have been thinking about something since the wedding. It spurred from the whole everyone is with someone thing that seems to be going on. I realized that most people live inside of these lonely universes and that the loneliness only increases with the wealth of technology. People don't need other people because they have people when they want them via cell phones and computers and can put people away when they don't feel like dealing with them. But our lives I feel are so empty. We don't know when we need others so take them who ever they are. If they're annoying then take them and love them because that's what makes life. One person can make our universe so much more meaningful. It has really been awakening inside of me after having such a hard year of people my heart was so callous. But now I realize that my life is not only for others but that i need those people too and i need to fight my laziness or tiredness for a chance at love or learning about other minds that I have such a short time with. So I love you humanity and I pray to stop assuming what and who you are and to look at each person with fresh eyes not calculating what they will say. I do that for me too I won't plan conversations anymore I'll just plan on talking.

Crap.

So I'm in my good friend from high school's wedding. Amandah Ortiz. I'm wearing Heals, doing my nails and getting my hair done. Very out of character for me. But I have decided to write about things that i haven't ever done. And not that I've never gotten my nails done or my hair but professionally BUT it has been awhile. I think its been at least four years for my hair and about ten for the nails. It seems even more contradictory because I have been lately reading about the life of Keith Green and musician during the Jesus movement and it makes me want to go hippie again. It also got me thinking about my music. I'm going to be recording soon thanks to Jer's mac but i just don't know where to take it. I don't want fame or a big break honestly maybe because i'm scared that i'm not good enough. I really want to do it for God through Him and to Him which is so hard because there are times where i know i sound so good. My pride is usually opposite so it scares me to slightly like what i do. I think though that I need to get it up to Him and ask Him to lead me. I mean I have these visions of playing on the streets in cities and parks with kids my age all around just listening. I'm scared though. Its always been hard for me to put myself out there with out music but i feel like i should shine Christ and draw men to Him not to me through my music.It's so hard because i know i have talent and i feel like i could go all the way and it like i said before makes me feel guilty. I realized something else and people are the most responsive when i'm closest to the Lord when i'm praying fasting and consumed in Him. HE wants the to be healed He wants to speak through them but HE wants to DO it.

I am the girl from the caves...

I decided that this year it will be different and I couldn’t wait till januaray to write about it. All during the Christmas season I felt the change stirring inside me I need it I live off of things like change. Instead of constantly fighting who and what I decided was to embrace it. Not only embrace my differences but my differences with others. I always find it hard to let people be and to not be afraid to let things be. Fear has been at the heart of a lot of things in these past years. I have been so afraid to live and let live. Once I realized I know nothing at all it just made me scared to discover the beautiful things unbeknownst to me. I want to live like I live under my own little rock where everything is new yet not as one on an Island who gets savage and harsh from the loneness and who cannot be befriended but as one who has just woken up who wants to experience everything. Today I leave my Island not knowing fully what I have left and not fully knowing what I go towards but I know I must fight to enjoy every moment of the journey. Today I got assaulted with art a lot of the implications I know nothing about but I saw colors today from distance lands that I’ve never seen. The things from Iran are the most unique to me. Africa is wild and I can feel it through the art its untamed and holds the perception of never becoming ruled over. Whenever Greg would play drums I always thought that fast Rhythm was Africa’s heart beating in the Sahara. Oceaniana was wild but it felt disconnected like it was a small wild that could be over take but was always underlying like in the Caribbean. Those people stay ruled over but the hearts stay unmoved. Last night my eyes were so young but today they have seen much more. I think that the idea of resurrection is so beautiful. You die to come back more then what you were. This year I died very deeply but this coming year I live again.

He is.

He is all and can do all. Most of the time i feel like i'm just swinging at these constant things coming into my life. Lately i have been learning the fine line we all must walk between trusting God to do what He says he will and your responsibility in your walk. Where and when he wants you to act. Most of the time He is speaking but i don't hear Him or can't. I hope to get close and closer to Him to obtain His presence constantly. The Christmas lights are up in the little park next to my house but the magic turns off at 10:40. The things that should be bright and shining are gone. It made me think of how often I turn off. I give up. I give in. Either by believing i have nothing to do or i can do what ever i want. Its that fine line not to turn the lights out.