I found a secret

I wondered why tears would form at the edge of my eye lids and slide softly down my cheek. Every one that fell pounded on my heart and weighed on my mind. It was a natural tendency I thought. The world was sad, so messed up, so wrong. In turn it made sensitive people like myself, cry. I never knew that I was viewing myself from a dirty circus mirror.

I thought that I was always perfect, but my fault was excepting perfection, with out giving it. Even excepting it from my self was ridiculous. I would always try to accept and understand others for their fault. In the back of my mind, I was always holding onto the fact that I was endlessly disappointed.

No one could be me. No one could think my great thoughts and so I was lonely. Isolating my self from true meaning and true love I began to reject anything that was unlike me. Yet in everything that rejected me I saw a reflection of what I was and intensely hated, with a burning, inextinguishable hatred. I built my life on judgment and assumptions. When I could not live up to my standards I made sure I paid for it, unlike others around me, with constant unending guilt. I was better then "them" for I made sure I paid for my mistakes and I made sure I kept score for not only me but for them also. I am a bad person. I have felt it, seen it, and now I refuse to deny it.

Today, I take a long hard look at my self. I can clearly see my self. I can clearly see others. I am a bad person. I knew before, but never believed it. Others would tell me not to get down on myself so I would not. But if I attempt to rightly judge others I must truthfully judge myself. I have refused to give compassion a forgiveness for so long that it has taken away the very center of everything good in my life. my inability to forgive has not only ruined my relationships with others but distorted my view of the human condition. I is destructive to assume you are good. Who can live up to your standard? If you don't make exceptions, then all will die crushed under your iron fist of judgment.

Love is something impossible made possible. We make it possible knowing we are evil, messed up, and wrong with the world. Does it not make sense that it is the distinct plan for life that we who destroy everything should be pardoned? More then just letting it slide or letting it off the hook, which is the human tendency to pacify ourselves. Many things in life make exceptions but always remember and are always there to remind us that we have better be on our best behavior and never do that one wrong again. That would be ok just this one time, BUT actually having forgiveness, this is a great gift. Having mercy, as if we had never did what we did. As if we were accepted in spite of ourselves. To be fully known and fully loved. This is true forgiveness.